A philosophy webcomic about the inevitable anguish of living a brief life in an absurd world. Also Jokes

Communist Brainstorming

Marx: "Alright, first item on the agenda: Does anyone have any ideas on how to overthrow capitalism?"

Goldman: "What if we painted a large pile of money on the side of a wall, and the capitalists will run for it trying to get the money, the smack into the wall, injuring themselves? "

Marx: "Uh...okay Goldman... moving on. Any other ideas?"
Engels: "Yeah, what if we expel the anarchists? "

Kropotkin: "How will that end capitalism?"
Engels: "Maybe we'll be stronger with...less people?"

Kropotkin: "What we really need to do is form another committee..."
Marx: "No, damnit, Kropotkin, no more committees. This is the committee."

Kropotkin: "Who made you the king of communism anyway, Marx?"
Marx: "Alright, that's it, anarchists get out!"
Kropotkin: "Gladly!"

Engels: "Now what are we going to do?"
Marx: "Well.."

Description: they have painted a large bag of money on the wall and rich people are crashing into it.
Marx: "Wow, she was right. This does work."
Also has anyone tried running really fast away from capitalists and getting them to chase you over a cliff? Could work.

Communism Store

Description: a supermarket called "Communism Store: fetish free commodities"

Marx: "Hi! Welcome to the Communism Store, what do you need?"
Rich customer in a top hat: "How much do oranges cost?"

Marx: "How much do they cost?"

Marx: "They cost the labor of the workers who planted the seeds and harvested the fruit!"

Marx: "They cost the time and energy of those who drove the trucks and stocked the shelves!"

Marx: "Here at the communism store we do not fetishize our commodities by imbuing them with the mystical property of price, which masks the human relations in the exchange of labor."

Marx: "In a true marketplace, commodities are exchanged by human beings for their use by other human beings, labor for labor. But Capitalism has distorted this market, and produces commodities purely for profit."
Marx: "The true labor relations are obscured and commodities are taken to only having value in exchange, rather than their real use."

Customer: "Right...but how much does it actually...cost?"
Marx: "Well, this is a communism store, so everything is free."

Customer: "Really....everything?"
Marx: "Yep."

Marx: "In that case I'll take everything, including the store itself."
Marx: "Uh...well..."

Customer: "Now get off my property before i call the cops!"

Description: Marx gets roughly kicked out, they repaint the sign to say: "Capitalism store: fetishized commodities"

Marx: "Hey, stop that! Stop doing capitalism!"
Marx: "Damn you, bourgeoisie!"
The collapse of the Soviet Union: explained.

Philosophical Discussion Group

Jeremy Bentham: "Welcome to our philosophical discussion group. First question: Is it morally acceptable to steal bread to feed your starving family? "

Karl Marx: "Of course it is! And he should also do a communist revolution to abolish the system which forces some to starve!"

Philippa Foot: "What about this: a trolley is headed down a track to kill five people but you can divert it to kill one, what do you do?"

Karl Marx: "I would simply do a communist revolution to abolish the system were we must choose who dies for the trolley company's profit."

Judith Jarvis Thomson: "What if a master violinist-"

Karl Marx, interrupting: "I'd do a communist revolution to prevent whatever second half of that sentence was going to be!"

Judith Jarvis Thomas: "Marx, we've been over this. You can't just say “communist revolution” to everything, or we are going to have to ask you to leave."

Karl Marx, flipping over the table: "REVOLUTION!"

Judith Jarvis Thomas: "But nothing changed, the table is just upside down now."

Karl Marx: "The People's table is upside down."
"Trotsky, barging in to flip the table over again: \"permanent revolution!\""

Marxist Brainstorming

Marx: "Alright guys, what is the one thing that the communist movement is really missing, that is preventing it from taking off?  "

Engels: "Class consciousness among the proletariat? "
James Guillaume: "A large scale organized political party?"
Bakunin: "A trained militia capable of revolution?"
Engels: "Unity between different leftist groups? "

Marx: "What? No, I'm talking about a snappy slogan, obviously."

Marx: "So let's have a brainstorming session and think up a slogan good enough to bring about communism."
Bakunin: "Okay, what about..."

Bakunin: "Workers of the worlds...just say NO to capitalism."

Marx: "Alright Bakunin, well, it's a brainstorming session, so there are no bad ideas...i guess. Anyone else have a slogan?"

Guillaume: "What about this: workers of the world...stop having your surplus labor value taken away from you on account of the fact that it only takes some hours to produce..."

Marx: "Good, Engels, just not quite...zippy enough."
Guillaume: "What about: workers of the world, if you see a capitalist, punch him in the throat!"

Bakunin: "Why is it always throat punches with you, Guillaume?"

Guillaume: "The throat is the capitalist's weak point. It both swallows the bread created from the toil of the workers, and commands the labor of the proletariat! One good punch to the throat could bring down the whole rotten system!"

Marx: "Alright, well obviously the throat punching one is the best so far, but i feel like we still aren't there."

Marx: "Wait a minute, I've got it!"

Marx: "Workers of the world...UNITE!"

Bakunin: "Oh I see how it is, so we all have to unite. No room for individuals under Marx's communism."
Marx: "No, i just mean-"

Bakunin: "I know what you mean, well i have my own slogan: no Gods, no masters! And that includes the communist party!"

Bakunin: "Come on Guillaume, let's form our own party, with our own slogan."
Guillaume: "Yeah! No Gods, no masters, lots of throat punching!"

Marx: "God damnit. Why does this always happen?"
In the end the anarchists decided that any one overriding slogan was an unjustified hierarchical form of domination and it was up to each individual to freely pick their own slogan.

Philosophy During a Pandemic

Kant: "All of us must, in times of crisis, examine our moral actions all the more clearly. Are we performing our duty at all times?"

Anscombe: "Each of us must reflect on our own intentions for every action we take. Are we doing what we can to help protect society? Or are we making excuses for ourselves?"

Seneca: "When things become difficult our moral strength must be absolute. Our desires for our own pleasure must pale in comparison to our desire to do what is right."


Marx, kicking down the door with two AK-47s in his hands: "Alright everyone, now is our chance! Capitalism is weakened, and showing it cannot manage a crisis. The full cruelty of the class structure is being laid bare. We must seize this opportunity to overthrow the bourgeoisie once and for all and free the workers!"

Anscombe: "Oh good, you are here, Marx. We are just organizing mutual aid by making these meals for people in quarantine, and distributing sanitation supplies to those most vulnerable."
Marx: "Wait...what?"

Marx: "Sanitation supplies? Food? You aren't trying to overthrow the bourgeoisie!?"

Kant: "No, of course not. How many times do i have to explain this to you, Marx, we philosophers by and large are the bourgeoisie."

Seneca: "Seriously, who do you think can afford to spend their lives debating about whether or not chairs exist? Peasants?"
Marx: "God dammit, you guys. Fine, how can i help?"
Utilitarianism: "do everything you can to prevent it from spreading." Deontology: "do everything you can to prevent it from spreading." Virtue Ethics: "do everything you can to prevent it from spreading."

Karl Marx Job Interview

Yes, under communism, you won't have to degrade yourself to the rich to beg for a job. You will, however, have to still get along with the other workers, so it will be no paradise.

Career Counseling

Career Councilor: "We are just going to do a little exercise to figure out what the best career would be for you."
Student: "Okay."

Career Councilor: "Okay, I want you to imagine a world where you no longer had to work to provide for the basic necessities of life."

Student: "What do you mean?"
Career Councilor: "Well, imagine you didn't have to have a job to pay the rent, for food, etc."

Career Councilor: "This helps people find their real passion in life. So what would you do if you didn't have to work?"
Student: "Well, I guess I would travel. See the world. I also love photography."

Student: "Hmm, so i guess that means i should be a travel photographer, huh? Thanks!"

Career Councilor, who turns out to be Karl Marx: "What? No! You should become a communist revolutionary so you can free all workers from the necessity of laboring for the bourgeoisie in order to live."
Student: "Wait...Karl Marx? You  are my career counselor?"

Karl Marx: "Did you seriously think you could be happy by commodifying your life's passion within the framework of capitalism?"
Student: "I mean..."
Karl Marx: "So you really thought i was going to advise workers to find a more enjoyable way to serve the rich? HahahaHa."
"Here's a bit of free career advice: whenever your boss tries to extract your surplus value, instead of giving it to him punch him in the throat."

Braveheart's Speech

Description: William Wallace is giving his speech before a battle, like in the movie Braveheart.

William Wallace: "They may take our lives, but they’ll never take ... our freedom!"

Sartre: "He means because in a metaphysical sense, our freedom is transcendent, so even if we are enslaved by the English we will still at least have the freedom to interpret our condition."

Spinoza: "No, Sartre, he means they can't take our freedom because we never had it to begin with. The world is deterministic, and freedom is an illusion. There is nothing the English can do about that."

Marx: "No Spinoza! He doesn't care about metaphysics. He means they can't take our freedom because we peasants are enslaved by our own wealthy lords. We must unite with the global proletariat to throw off the ruling class of every nation in order to be free!"
Spinoza: "Not everything is about class warfare, Marx."

Sartre: "Um, excuse me, Mr. William Wallace, do you mean they can't take our freedom because it is metaphysically impossible, or because we are already oppressed?"

William Wallace: "I mean they can't take our freedom, because if they try we will stab them in the face with our swords. Understand?"

Sartre, looking around nervously as the battle begins: "Um, you guys...I'm starting to think this isn't the philosophy debate club."

Spinoza: "I told you we missed an exit!"
Marx: "you can take our lives, but you can never take our surplus labor value!"

Marxist Financial Advice

Description: a couple is meeting Karl Marx for financial advice.

Husband: "Thanks for meeting us."

Marx: "Welcome to Marx Financial Advice, what can i do for you?"

Wife: "Well we just can't seem to get any savings, and our debts are mounting. I'm not sure what we are doing wrong, we are both working overtime and it still never seems like enough."

Marx: "Well, looking over your documents it seems like you have huge amount of unnecessary expenses."

Husband: "Really? But we've cut out all luxuries! We are living on only the bare essentials."
Marx: "What? You are spending a ton on luxuries. For example, it says here that you paid for a part of a new yacht."

Husband: "We didn't spend any money on a yacht!"
Marx: "Of course you did. Your boss bought one last month, where do you think he got the money? From his own labor? Ha!"

Marx: "So the first thing we advice all clients is stop spending the money you earned from working on your boss."

Husband: "But how do i do th-"
Marx: "There is another expenditure that i'm confused about."

Marx: "It says here that you spend almost a third of your income on “rent”. Why?"
Husband: "Well, we have to pay rent in order to live."
Marx: "What? No you don't."

Wife: "But where will we live?"
Marx: "What do you mean? The same place."

Marx, leading them through a door: "You see, we have a trademarked debt consolidation program to help people just like you deal with their creditors. Follow me."

Description, Marx is pointing at a guillotine.

Wife: "Is it...behind the guillotine...or?"
Marx: "What? No!"

Marx: "We here at Marx Financial Advice have a motto: always guillotine everyone all the time."

Description: the couple looks horrified at Marx.

Marx: "We are still working on the exact wording of the motto but you get the idea."
"What about a retirement plan? Should we be investing?" "Investing? No, all that will be wiped out when the workers take control. A communist revolution should be your retirement plan."

Simone Weils Gives a Convincing Argument

Hegel: "The driving force of history is the dialectical refinement of ideas. History is nothing more than the progress of the consciousness of freedom, and elucidation of science."
Marx: "Wrong, Hegel!"

Marx: "Material conditions are the true driving force of earth. The productive capabilities of a society, and the struggle between the haves and the have-nots, THAT is the real engine of history!"

Weil: "Marx, Hegel, you are both wrong. The driving force of history is something much simpler: force."
Hegel: "Force? Ha! Are you serious Weil?"

Weil: "I think i can convince you both if you hear me out."
Hegel: "What argument could you possibly offer for such a simplistic doctrine?"

Weil, pulling out a gun: "Say that it's force, or I'll shoot you!"

Weil: "say it!"
Hegel, with his hands in the air: "The driving force of history is force."
Marx, also with his hands in the air: "Yes, what Hegel Said!"

Weil: "There, see, was that so hard? Force employed by man, force that enslaves man, force before which man's flesh shrinks away. From Agamemnon, to Genghis Khan, to Hitler, it is not ideas or production, but force that has played the central role, isn't that right?"

Hegel: "Yes yes, that's right!"
Marx: "Spot on!"
Weil: "Good, I'm glad we agree."

Weil: "Now give me your wallets."
Hegel: "How is that relevant to your philosophy?"
Weil: "Say it is relevant or I'll kill you now!"
Marx: "Stealing wallets is philosophy!"
Also...dance a little for me. See? The real dialectic is whoever has the guns makes the rules.

Potluck Economics


"What did you bring again, Marx?" "I brought the cake." "I thought Engels brought that." "Uh...it's from both of us."

Karl Marx Gets a Job


When communism comes, everyone will greet everyone all the time, and the brandy will be free.

Karl Marx's Day Off


Let's be honest though, those shoes were pretty cool.

Philosophy Comedy Club, with Karl Marx


If you think poor people are poor because they were too stupid to invest in property...you might be bourgeoisie. If you think that without entrepreneurs no one would bother to do any work...you might be bourgeoisie. If you think "freedom" means having more power to boss around your employees...you might be bourgeoisie. If you think the person who should get credit for a new technology is the guy who hired people to make it...you might be bourgeoisie. If you think the people on welfare are the ones sponging off society...you might be bourgeoisie. If you think the "homeless problem" is that if there are too many of them around it lowers property values...you might be bourgeoisie. If someone asks you what you do for a living, and you describe your investment portfolio...you might be bourgeoisie.

Business Ethics, with Karl Marx


What? You never read Karl Marx's famous work: Communism is When You Steal Back Office Supplies From the Bourgeoisie

Desert Island Economics



"What what will you do without us brave entrepreneurs?"); "I don't know, probably receive the product of our labor in full?"

The 100% True Story of the Writing of the Communist Manifesto


"A communist society will be organzied by the principle: from each according to his ability, to each according to his need" "Marx, chain smoking is NOT an ability" "Oh yeah? Then I'd like to see you try it"

Dungeons and Dragons and Philosophers VII: Left Wing Adventures


Trotsky split on the car ride over, in case you were wondering. He thought they should be focusing on invading other DnD groups and getting them to play their games as metaphors for communism.

Mad Marx: The Class Warrior





Philosophy Jeopardy



Things Schopenhauer hates: Hegel Noise Life itself Hegel Everything else

The Hague Congress of 1872


"You betrayed the proletariat cause!" "No, YOU betrayed the proletariat cause!" "You" "You" "Stop copying me!" "Stop copying me."

Karl Marx: Hostage Negotiator


Lenin successfully lead the hostages to overtake the bank, but he died shortly after and Stalin took over, and things kind of went down hill from there.

The Young Hegelians


There will be some who may remark that Marx, at the time that he was associated with the Young Hegelians, had not yet grown his trademark beard. This is nothing but lies and deceptions by the bourgeoisie, in an attempt to slander the socialist movement. The truth is that Marx was born with his glorious mane, and went to his grave with every hair on his perfect beard.

Product Testing


REVOLUTION!

Marxist Business Consulting


Not shown: Ayn Rand's 40 minute speech about how money is great and rich people are therefore the greatest.

Dungeons & Dragons & Philosophers V: The Battle of Five Philosophers


And that was the day that Utilitarians, Objectivists, Communists, and Egoists all united as one: to kill Nietzsche. And also they told him that their group was really hardcore and didn't allow re-rolling characters, so once you died you had to wait outside and not talk.

In which John Rawls is a bad tipper.



Rawls: "But seriously Nozick, imagine that you were an ugly waiter who got less tips just for how you look." Nozick: "Okay...imagining, imagining...nope. Sorry, no matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine what it is like to not be incredibly handsome."

A Visit From St. Marx


There will be no toys under the tree this year, only one way tickets to the gulag. With no return ticket.

Philosophy Club


When you think about it, any club can be a fight club with enough spirit.

Pokemon Philosophy


Until the Pokemon own the gym, they will always be oppressed.

The Philosophy of the Science of Poker



The Incommensurability of that one annoying friend who always goes all in

Buried Treasure

THERE, I DID AN AYN RAND JOKE. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY BECAUSE THAT IS IT, FOREVER.

World Cup Philosophy: Germany vs France




For best results, the commentator should be read in the voice of Michael Palin

The Germans Play Monopoly


I'm not sure what they expected, it was inevitable really.
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